so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
