Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
