OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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