Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
