you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize