I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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