You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
