It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
