I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
