I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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