thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
