Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
