you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
