the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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