a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
