Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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