we have pet lesbian snakes
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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