Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize