I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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