dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize