I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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