i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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