I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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