I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize