I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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