MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
