just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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