That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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