I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
