How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
