Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
