Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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