she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
