She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
