i can't believe i had my finger in that
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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