i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
