he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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