dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
