How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Damn victory sex feels great
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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