Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
