So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
