Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
