Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
