I puked a lego.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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