sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
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