I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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