20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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