I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
