my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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