I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
