how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
