i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
