I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
