He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
3pm strippers are depressing
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
