He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
