This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
