hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
