Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
ok first of all what the fuck
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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