let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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