in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
